Have you ever experienced one of those moments when things suddenly don’t look right, like the universe has shifted slightly and left you behind? It happened to me the other day when I went into my studio. Someone has been going through my art supplies and organizing them. My watercolor paints were arranged into color families. So were the colored pencils. It was a bit disorienting. And in the deep dark recesses of my soul, I knew the truth. It was me. I said aloud, “Who have I become??” I never used to keep things organized and tidy. Something was off.
I’m a Virgo, but I never felt like it fit me. I was a seriously messy kid. I hated details. They tripped me up and weighed me down when I had bigger ideas and aspirations to pursue. My head was firmly buried in the clouds, and that’s where I felt safe and at home. As I’ve gotten older the Virgo label has fit better and better. I’ve found balance between intuition and logic, curiosity and self-discipline, freedom and responsibility. But where has this compulsive organizing come from?
My theory is that it’s my partner’s fault. (That’s always the convenient answer, isn’t it?) Since we started living together several years ago, I’ve felt a need to create order in my life. I moved into his world, and he’s a force of nature. He’s incredibly creative and lives life with no limitations. He invents and builds things, and when he’s not building something, he’s designing it in his head. (The stereotypical ‘mad scientist’.) He leaves a path of destruction in his wake because he’s focused on his projects, not the tedium of cleaning up after himself. I’ve accepted this because I respect his process and appreciate what he creates. But it’s stressful to live in the center of a whirling vortex of chaos. If I don’t want to live in disarray, I have to pick up the slack. But my impulse to tidy and organize has oozed outside of our communal living areas. It’s gotten to the point that I need a general sense of order in my life. Only then do I feel safe and relaxed.
When I had my little existential shift the other day, I realized that it was time for some self-reflection. I do like having my supplies organized, and it’s really nice to not have to dig around looking for things. But I haven’t felt inspired for awhile, and I’ve been struggling with that. It’s becoming clear to me that there’s a battle going on between Virgo and my muses. They don’t like the interruptions to their flow. This orderliness has crossed the line into self-sabotage. So I let Virgo help to create a plan that she’s not very happy with. Once I start working on a project, I don’t let myself get distracted by tidying my work area. I leave the messes, and sit with the feelings. When I do that, the muses come quietly back to the table and pull up a chair, thumbing their noses at Virgo. Just as I create a physical space that feels comfortable to work in, I have to create an emotional space where I allow myself to get lost in the work. That seems like a fair balance to me, but it isn’t easy.